Why the 5 year age gap?

My boys have a five year age gap. I take my hats off to you mama’s out there who have children close together in age. You are the real superheroes.

I’m not going to lie and paint a pretty picture. I wanted Korey to be an only child. Not because I didnt want more children. I love having the kids around me. But…

I had the most traumatic labour with Korey (Ok I wasn’t ill and Korey was born fine and healthy so it wasn’t traumatic in that sense…) But i never wanted to go through that AGAIN! It was three days of pure hell. Three days of agonising contractions that never ended and always intensified and I was getting no closer to actually having my baby. I stayed at 2cm for nearly three days. Eventually I moved over to 4cm and I was able to have pain relief. And I lapped it up…

I don’t remember anything after that… It’s a blank in my mind… I want to say I remember the moment I heard him cry, the moment I held him and looked into his eyes… but I can’t tell you that from first hand experience… because I don’t remember a thing. My biggest regret in life was that I don’t remember the moment I held my firstborn. There was no elation from the biggest achievement of my life, just the drugs that were were still in my system. I was amazed they even let me hold him because I was so intoxicated.

So after this I decided I would have no more children. I did not want to fail at being in labour, my pain threshold was rubbish, the labour was too long to stand. I was terrified about doing it again.

Then I found out I was pregnant a second time. I cried. I didn’t want to go through it again. But I spoke to the midwives and even a doctor to discuss my fear of childbirth (which is a thing!) And was basically told he’s got to come out one way or another… the joys!

So the time came and I tried to plan and replan. I told my partner under no circumstances am I to take drugs other than gas and air… I planned to have a waterbirth…

The day came and I went into labour… and it was nothing like the first time. I had him in four hours from my first contraction to holding him. I only had gas and air. I did it! I remembered having him. I remember everything. I even remember saying “let’s do that again”. It was amazing the comparison between the births.

But that’s one of the biggest reasons there is a five year age gap. I don’t know whether we will have any more children. Maybe one day. But if I don’t it won’t be because I’m scared to give birth.

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